brittlegirl | Opposites in a sort of bad way || (3)

I couldn't imagine the amount of patience one must have when being kind to their lowkey bummy significant other. Women do it all the time, and I'm sure vice versa exists but from an anecdotal perspective the girls around my age that I know are so academically orientated. They're set on building a life for themselves, there's no "I'm gonna die by XX" or a single bone of nihilism in their body. For some reason, the guys they mess with are the type that, in the least weirdest way possible, would be more of my match (ambition wise) than theirs. The same way I would consider Jessie a better match to the proactive women in my life, and yet here we are reaching almost two years together and not once has he asked me to 'get my shit together' despite everyone around me being three steps ahead. Why does it work like that? Is it some form of subconscious self hate? Well, it's not like he doesn't say anything at all. He'll kindly ask me to make an appointment with an academic advisor so I can talk over my plans on switching to a minor, he'll look through college programs with me and then look on Reddit to see how the work-life balance is like. He says he wants to marry me, considering how he's doing I'm definitely not going to be making as much as him so what exactly does he view me as if I'm no where near his equal. Neither financially, ambition, academics, likability, views on life, a hundred other things. Maybe he liked the way I looked and now he's realized we're in too deep so he can't back out. I once asked him if he's put off by my eating disorder and chronic depression and he said that he loves every part of me no matter what, he wishes to see me get better, he'll help me through everything. And then he made me pinky promise and swear to God that I wouldn't commit suicide, if I did he would hate me forever and never forgive me. That's fair in my opinion. It's kind of funny that he's a devote Christian and I'm always trying to argue with him about the bible but he's so fucking Christian, telling me that Jesus loves everyone and stuff. To make things worse, he truly is a good person with amazing morals and a heart of gold and I feel like I'm going to taint him, tire him out, be the one girl who makes him vow to never get into a relationship with someone like that ever again.

I don't know why I started this entry talking about women who have bummy boyfriends, I AM the bummy boyfriend. I'm trying to scrape my shit together. Get this semester of university done and get into a 1-2 year college program, hopefully get a job through it. I don't want to be in that type of relationship. It's already eating at me seeing people my age achieve great things, actually not even great, just getting a job that's above minimum wage. I've screwed up almost every interview I've had for a job, I even got rejected from Walmart and Dollarama. I got my current job through my friend but even then the pay is monthly, it's minimum wage and I only work 3-4 days a week because I'm in school. Either love works in mysterious ways or his frontal lobe hasn't developed yet. I'm mentally preparing for him to look at me one day and ask me what I'm planning on doing with my life. It would be out of character for him to do that, but there's always a possibility, everyone has a limit to how much they can handle the failures of someone they love. He's being nice right now, but he might get mean about it once he's settled in his big boy job making six figures. I don't know what he sees in me, if anything, I hope it's not bad. Like I'm the stupid, useless woman he needs to dutifully take care of. As much as I envy the things he has in life, I don't want to be with anyone else, if we go sour I'd probably stay until he leaves.

I barely took care of my basic human needs today but at least I exercised and stretched. My father brought home some kulfi bars and I had two. I sort of feel bad about what I ate today.

Food log:
- slice of pound cake (probably 500 calories)
- two kulfi bar (120ish calories each)
- lentils with beef (350)

The sugar is going to bloat my face crazy tomorrow so I'm chugging a lot of water and using my stationary bike. I don't really if that's going to do anything. I'm happy with the intake but I hate hate hate all that sugar, it's making me sick. I'm going to go play some minecraft and roblox now. I'll be signing out for today♡!