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Keeping myself busy || (9)
Mar. 12th, 2026 08:17 am8:17 AM
To be honest, I don't have much going on for me right now and I think that's a bad thing because the less I have to do, the easier I fall into a depressive episode. I'm happy with the way I'm eating though I feel a little bad because of the sugar I had yesterday and just right now. It's 13g of sugar and I don't know if it's going to cause some face bloating or not. I'm planning on walking to work anyway today so I can burn as much as possible. I might just fast and drink tea throughout the day.
6:47PM
Work was alright. I had my favourite students today which was nice and I exchanged some awkward conversation with my coworkers which was a little less nice. I feel like I need a guide book on how to talk to people, I have no idea what I'm doing when I talk to people my own age. I can't understand their facial expressions at all and I don't know how they want me to react when they tell me things. One of my coworkers told me that she needs our boss's reference for a job application process, I asked her what role, and she told me it's a financial analyst role or "something like that". "That's great!", is what I said before going back to my work (because students papers were starting to pile) but I have no recollection on how I said it, for the rest of the shift she didn't talk to me and I realized too late that maybe she wanted me to ask her more questions about her role.
Going through an application process of a "real" job is probably a really big deal and I should have been more excited for her, instead I must have come off as uninterested in the conversation. I'm just telling myself it's not a big deal and that I didn't like her anyway. A couple weeks back, she made a big deal about one of students having lesbian moms. While the women were sitting at our boss's desk, I think they had a meeting with him, she came up from behind me and whispered, "They're lesbians" and both her and my other coworker were staring at the women with they're mouth agape. Absolutely annoying. My friend (ex - employee) did warn me about how muslim the workplace was so I was sort of expecting my coworkers to be mildly irritating and judgemental.
Reading for March:
In the book club I'm apart of with my friend, it's just her and I, we were reading 'A Great Big Beautiful Life' but decided to drop it and instead picked up 'Once upon a Broken Heart' by Stephanie Garber. I'm starting it tomorrow after I've studied tonight. Speaking of studying, I have to go study. I'll be signing out for today!
To be honest, I don't have much going on for me right now and I think that's a bad thing because the less I have to do, the easier I fall into a depressive episode. I'm happy with the way I'm eating though I feel a little bad because of the sugar I had yesterday and just right now. It's 13g of sugar and I don't know if it's going to cause some face bloating or not. I'm planning on walking to work anyway today so I can burn as much as possible. I might just fast and drink tea throughout the day.6:47PM
Work was alright. I had my favourite students today which was nice and I exchanged some awkward conversation with my coworkers which was a little less nice. I feel like I need a guide book on how to talk to people, I have no idea what I'm doing when I talk to people my own age. I can't understand their facial expressions at all and I don't know how they want me to react when they tell me things. One of my coworkers told me that she needs our boss's reference for a job application process, I asked her what role, and she told me it's a financial analyst role or "something like that". "That's great!", is what I said before going back to my work (because students papers were starting to pile) but I have no recollection on how I said it, for the rest of the shift she didn't talk to me and I realized too late that maybe she wanted me to ask her more questions about her role.
Going through an application process of a "real" job is probably a really big deal and I should have been more excited for her, instead I must have come off as uninterested in the conversation. I'm just telling myself it's not a big deal and that I didn't like her anyway. A couple weeks back, she made a big deal about one of students having lesbian moms. While the women were sitting at our boss's desk, I think they had a meeting with him, she came up from behind me and whispered, "They're lesbians" and both her and my other coworker were staring at the women with they're mouth agape. Absolutely annoying. My friend (ex - employee) did warn me about how muslim the workplace was so I was sort of expecting my coworkers to be mildly irritating and judgemental.
Reading for March:
In the book club I'm apart of with my friend, it's just her and I, we were reading 'A Great Big Beautiful Life' but decided to drop it and instead picked up 'Once upon a Broken Heart' by Stephanie Garber. I'm starting it tomorrow after I've studied tonight. Speaking of studying, I have to go study. I'll be signing out for today!
I should have attended classes today but I really didn't feel like leaving the house in this weather. To be fair, I don't attend classes in general so there's no point in regretting not going. My boyfriend came a couple weeks ago and we played a lot of pool that weekend, booked a hotel and played some more pool. I beat him in the first two games, not out of skill but rather he pocketed the 8-ball early the first time and then pocketed both the cue and 8-ball in the second game. I do think I'm getting better at playing but I can't find a quiet place to practice. I feel like I'm not good enough to practice in public and I'm aware of how ridiculous that sounds. Our 
I didn't do much today other than study and go on tumblr. I have five side blogs in total currently and I want more. I've figured out masonry + infinite scroll and now I feel unstoppable! I want a billion side blogs, I want to organize my life into multiple pages, perfectly manicured to my taste. There's a lot of topics I could focus on for a side blog but I'm not sure wether I'm committed enough to make a page. Currently, I have a page on: 
Every single time I've had vomit-inducing anxiety, nothing bad has ever really happened. Yet without fail, this feeling comes back to me every week and I'm left lying on my bedroom floor, clutching my stomach and scrolling through reddit posts that could possibly help with calming my nerves. It's like a sense of impending doom washed over me this morning and the worst part is trying to figure out why I'm feeling like this. Maybe it's work? But I don't feel like work is a big deal. I work with children, I don't care about my coworkers at all. Maybe it's just the thought of leaving my house in general that's making me anxious. I've never liked leaving the house. Maybe it's because I haven't stepped on a scale in a while. Maybe I need to write a to-do list for the day. 
I couldn't imagine the amount of patience one must have when being kind to their lowkey bummy significant other. Women do it all the time, and I'm sure vice versa exists but from an anecdotal perspective the girls around my age that I know are so academically orientated. They're set on building a life for themselves, there's no "I'm gonna die by XX" or a single bone of nihilism in their body. For some reason, the guys they mess with are the type that, in the least weirdest way possible, would be more of my match (ambition wise) than theirs. The same way I would consider Jessie a better match to the proactive women in my life, and yet here we are reaching almost two years together and not once has he asked me to 'get my shit together' despite everyone around me being three steps ahead. Why does it work like that? Is it some form of subconscious self hate? Well, it's not like he doesn't say anything at all. He'll kindly ask me to make an appointment with an academic advisor so I can talk over my plans on switching to a minor, he'll look through college programs with me and then look on Reddit to see how the work-life balance is like. He says he wants to marry me, considering how he's doing I'm definitely not going to be making as much as him so what exactly does he view me as if I'm no where near his equal. Neither financially, ambition, academics, likability, views on life, a hundred other things. Maybe he liked the way I looked and now he's realized we're in too deep so he can't back out. I once asked him if he's put off by my eating disorder and chronic depression and he said that he loves every part of me no matter what, he wishes to see me get better, he'll help me through everything. And then he made me pinky promise and swear to God that I wouldn't commit suicide, if I did he would hate me forever and never forgive me. That's fair in my opinion. It's kind of funny that he's a devote Christian and I'm always trying to argue with him about the bible but he's so fucking Christian, telling me that Jesus loves everyone and stuff. To make things worse, he truly is a good person with amazing morals and a heart of gold and I feel like I'm going to taint him, tire him out, be the one girl who makes him vow to never get into a relationship with someone like that ever again.
I barely took care of my basic human needs today but at least I exercised and stretched. My father brought home some kulfi bars and I had two. I sort of feel bad about what I ate today.
) 
Ever since I was a little girl I knew I wanted to keep a million journals. I've made another dreamwidth account because I wasn't comfortable writing entries on my ColorsTCG account.
